Sadness

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's time. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.


This is a very hard time of the year for me. With my Dad gone, working a lot of hours and not being able to go to church . I don't know how to feel this holiday season? But with my sadness also comes creativity. I tend to be a better writer when I go thought sad spells.

My Dad and I

I am truly sad tonight, thinking of all the poor choices I made in life. Wishing I could turn the pages of time back just correct them and see where I would be? I know I should not think this way, but I do and often. Even with all my choices I have made I was very lucky to have two parents that were there for me, no matter what. But still I feel sad.

I have so many random thoughts going though my head right now. I am having problems trying to sort them out and write them down. Some good and some bad. I would love to write them but again I am afraid too. Afraid of who might read it.

I go though life, like I always have with a smile on my face and inspirational post on Facebook. But always remember you can tell what a person is hiding, in the manor in which they hide it in. So I hide my sadness every day of life. No one really knows how I truly feel. Not even my best friends. I have masted it.

My pain runs deep in my veins and heart. I would like for it to go away and never come back, but it does. What can I do to fix it? I ask myself that question every day. So much pain so much sadness and most of all so much regretted. 

I have given you just a taste of what I went though as a child, as for an adult I think it might scare or upset you what has happened. I chose the wrong path. Now don't get me wrong, I am not talking about being gay or even a leatherman. It is way more complected then that. Way more. Not to even talk about my love life. Yes I have been blessed to date and live with some good men, but I am still alone.

It is easy to think good thoughts, but reality is another story.....

What am I do? Where do I go from here? Only the hands of time will be able to tell.