Sadness

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's time. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.


This is a very hard time of the year for me. With my Dad gone, working a lot of hours and not being able to go to church . I don't know how to feel this holiday season? But with my sadness also comes creativity. I tend to be a better writer when I go thought sad spells.

My Dad and I

I am truly sad tonight, thinking of all the poor choices I made in life. Wishing I could turn the pages of time back just correct them and see where I would be? I know I should not think this way, but I do and often. Even with all my choices I have made I was very lucky to have two parents that were there for me, no matter what. But still I feel sad.

I have so many random thoughts going though my head right now. I am having problems trying to sort them out and write them down. Some good and some bad. I would love to write them but again I am afraid too. Afraid of who might read it.

I go though life, like I always have with a smile on my face and inspirational post on Facebook. But always remember you can tell what a person is hiding, in the manor in which they hide it in. So I hide my sadness every day of life. No one really knows how I truly feel. Not even my best friends. I have masted it.

My pain runs deep in my veins and heart. I would like for it to go away and never come back, but it does. What can I do to fix it? I ask myself that question every day. So much pain so much sadness and most of all so much regretted. 

I have given you just a taste of what I went though as a child, as for an adult I think it might scare or upset you what has happened. I chose the wrong path. Now don't get me wrong, I am not talking about being gay or even a leatherman. It is way more complected then that. Way more. Not to even talk about my love life. Yes I have been blessed to date and live with some good men, but I am still alone.

It is easy to think good thoughts, but reality is another story.....

What am I do? Where do I go from here? Only the hands of time will be able to tell.

I was born this way

I want to tell you a little bit about my life growing up and struggles I have went though. I was born in a very small city called Washington IN to a pair of wonderful parents. As a child my parents took very good care of me and gave as much as they could. I have to say I was truly blessed with great parents! I have two brothers and one sister. I am not very close to them at all (my siblings) My sister is the closest to me. There is a wide rang between myself and them, Phillip is 16 years older, David is 15 years and Deena is 10 years. My self I am 43 now.

This is my family 

This one has my brothers in it.

My parents took me to church every week, Wednesday night, Sunday morning and Sunday night. As I was growing up in in a Southern Baptist church, I remember the fear of God being put in me every week. I remember one preacher that talked about how much God hated homosexuals and they were going to burn in hell. So every week I would listen and think about how I knew I was gay and that my life would be damed forever.

I went to grade school at Griffith Elementary School. Every day I would go to school, at first the teachers did not like me having a southern accent ( my mother is from Kentucky) and sent me to speech class to unlearn it. The other kids teased me about it because the adults made such a big deal about it. Then the heavy teasing that would scare me for life started.  In PE class the teacher was named Bill Settles. He started to call me a fag at the age of 10. Every day he would put me down in front of the whole class. 

I was always chosen last in the games in PE and was told by the teacher I was no good. It even went as far as when I would see him walk down the halls in school, he would always call me fag. So now I am getting all this stuff thrown at me at Church and School. Just because I was gay.

I started to  come to grips with myself being gay as I went though puberty about age 13. Now at school and Church I knew what they were seeing. I tried my best to cover it up and over come it. As I told once, as a child, it is a phase you are going though.

This is Ruth and I

I remember the first person I told I am gay. That day will always be with me for the rest of life because it was one of the worse days of life. I was 16 and was going to Washington High School. I stopped in to see the school nurse, her name was Teddy, I told her "I am gay and I don't know what to do?" She got up from her desk and walked towards the door and opened it. As she was walking she told me me the best thing for was to forget that I ever said that, because it is not natural and not right and she would pretend I never told her thing like that, then she asked me to leave her office.

Now I am so depressed that I am gay, a sick person, a wrong person, God hates me and I am going to hell! That is a lot for a kid to go though. Some of the kids from grade school are not calling me fag in the hall ways of school even more so then in grade school. I even seen Bill Settles teaching drivers education and he called me fag in the high school hallways too.

Every day of my life I was called fag and it was starting to get to me. At one time and I am sure my Mother remembers that day. I locked myself in my room and though about killing myself. I am dammed any way so why don't I just end it now. I really came close to doing it. I am sitting her crying now thinking about the pain I was in back then. I was so afraid if my parents found out, that I would be kicked out into the streets. For some reason, well God, stopped me and helped me along the way. I know this now, but back then I though he hated me.

I have left a lot of the details of things that happened to me, but listed some more of the painful ones. I still remember a school mate of mine holding me down in the locker room in the 7th grade locker room and making me kiss his feet as the whole class watched me. No one stepped in to help me. He even beat me up after school. His name is Mark and I wont say his last name, because I have forgiven him after I heard about his family life. 

I have always struggled being gay and being a christian too. But now I am OK with it. It took me till I was in my 30s before I understood that I was not wrong and that God did not hate me. I have to thank Ben Guess for that and the Zion United Church of Christ. They have re-taught me that being gay and Christian is normal and OK.

I have come a long way and still yet, this day I still struggle from time to time because of the deep scares from my childhood. I know I have blocked some things out and I hope the day I remember them, I can deal with it. I have to say people like Madonna and Lady Gaga have helped me some much. I have to thank them for that, because I don't know if I would still be here if it wasn't for them. Madonna was my only positive support as a teen and Lady Gaga as an adult.

I know now that "I was born this way" and I am normal. I hope the www.bornthiswayfoundation.org helps out youth struggling with being bullied and being gay. I wish I would have had some support like that as I was growing up. I think I would be a different person to this day. 

As I go though life now, I see kids with their parents and see that the child is gay, it is painful clear to me, and I hope that child doesn't have to go though what I went though. I want to run up them and tell them to take extra care of their child because he/she is going to need it. And that it is OK if they are gay, just support them, be there for them and make sure that all is well with then in school.

So all of you whom has read this, think about how you react to someone that is gay and what you say around your children. The next time you see someone being bullied or being called names, stop and see what you can do to help them out. Don;t turn away and say it is not my problem, because as a human being it is. Make a difference in this world and help a child out.

So for those people that have done that in my life, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Rev Ben Guess and God, I thank you all for the help in my life. Without them I know I would not still be here this day.