Family

What can I say about family? I love my family so much but I just take all the turmoil we are all going though. I feel very sad and I don;t want to go to Thanksgiving. I have one brother that will not speak to anyone in the family and the last time I saw him, he told me to never to talk to his son again (my nephew). My other brother is trying to make up for saying the worse thing you ever tell another family member.  And enter my Mother, she got mad at me this weekend because she using racial slurs and I told her I did not want to hear that stuff. She can be upset with the guy that had problems with, but not the whole race!

She called me back the other day and said why is that you can say what you want too, but I can't? I asked her what she meant? She said you say things I don't want to hear and I listen to them. I know what she is referring too, me being gay.

My mother 

I call my Mother at least two times a day and yesterday the phone rang busy all morning. At lunch at work I went to my car to try to call her and she did answer and was crying so hard. Made me feel like shit. I found out her best friend, my second mother Betty staid up with her till 3 AM when we had or fight. Now I feel even worse. I don;t know what to do?

This is Betty and me

I want things to be like they use to be, and I know it will never be the same no matter what. With my father passing away this year, things will never be the same. I want to remember the happy times and not dwell on the bad and how bad it is now. But I just don;t know how to? I wish I could go back.

My brother David, sister Deena and me

I know I can't go back to those days with the whole family meeting at Mom and Dad's house. The happy days to me. I miss my Dad so much, and this year I knew, was going to be tough. I know he would not like his family to act this way but what do I do? I can't change everything. 

Here is my Dad just a few minutes after he passed away 

I never had shown anyone this picture of father but my family, but it is the last one ever taken of him. He looks so peaceful. I love you Dad and always will! I put this on here because I have to find a way to express my pain.

I am tired of all the negativity going on right now in my life, I am not going to take it any more. I am starting to cut people out of life if they can't stop being so negative 24/7. And to top off all the my problems, one of my best friends has joined the ranks of being so negative and he directs it towards me. I sure as hell don't need that! My friends are there to support me and I have to say all of them are but this one. I will can him out on this because I am close of calling it quits with him. Mike G. I have asked him 2 times now to sit down with me so we can talk, and will not even make the time. He knows how wrong he done me and he is wrong. And if you read this Mike G, this should show you how much you have hurt me and how close I am to calling quits with you.

Well I needed to unload all that.

How I feel some days

Heard this song today, and it hit home to me, so I wrote it down and changed some the words to everything I was feeling today.

So sick of the people getting a free ride, I don't like how I gotta work and They just sit around and get paid. I hate all of the people who can't drive their cars. Bitch you better get outta the way, Before I start falling apart. I hate how my life is always up my ass, I always want to buy brand new things But I don't have the cash. I hate my job, all of my rich friends
I hate everyone to the bitter end. Nothing turns out right There's no end in sight
I hate my life!




How come I never get laid nice guys always lose. How could he have another headache, There's always some kind of excuse. I still hate my job, "I don't get paid nearly enough To put up with all of this shit" So if you're pissed like me Bitches, here's what you gotta do Put your middle fingers up in the air Go on and say "Fuck you!" So much at stake, can't catch a break I hate my life
No, it's nothing new hear "it sucks to be me"
I fuckin hate my life

Are you lonely?

Well the day started started out pretty good and to hell in a hand basket! I had a great time with Mike P and Mark last night, we went to Equals and had a few drinks so I did not get to have a lot of sleep. Had to be at work at 8:30 for a meeting and then I headed to church/

I have to say I love my church and I love going to church. Ron the guy that plays the piano at church wasnt feeling well today so we had to sing with him, LOL it still sounded pretty good. So far my day is going great! When church let out I came home and took a big ole nap!

After I got upI made a pizza nd popped in a "The year without a Santa Claus" and stated to decorate the house for Christmas.

Ok my day is still going pretty well, but then all of a sudden I felt very lonely tonight. I guess putting up all the stuff and having no one to share it with got to me. I am not looking to find a relationship, but I do want someone there with me and share times like this. What is a guy to do?

I wish I could meet a guy that likes me as much as I like them. Like the same things but have a few differences to make interesting. Wants to go to church and feel that it is important as I do. Someone who likes to go out friends or just be happy sitting at home watching a movie. Where is my knight in shinning armor? 

Is he out there? or I have I had my one true love in life and that is all I get? Yes I was so in love with a guy named Terry and took me years to get over him and now I a little damaged from it. We are friends now but I don't think we could evr get back together again. He is a sweet man just we were not meant for each other.

I hope one day i find that love that I felt with Terry, I have loved a lot of men but nothing like him. That doesn't mean that I loved the other guys any less, just there was something special in my heart for him. Each man that I have been with holds a special place in heart and always will. I can only think of one guy that I have dated that I never want to speak to again, the rest I still care about to this day.

I will find that guy, I know he is out there, just have to make sure I meet him one day!

How do you know?

I ask myself this question all the time, How do I know?  I guess the best advice I can give myself is that you will know deep in your sole, you will feel it. It has happened before and it will happen again. I am sure you all know what I am talking about? I am talking about when you fall for someone.

It confuses me so. I don't know if it something I want, or is something I just feel? When I meet a guy there is a certain something that you feel as soon as he walks up. Most the time it is lust and sometimes it is just to talk. If the lust connects and gos to the next step or spend the night just talking, sometimes you feel in the pit of your stomach there could be something there.

Now with that said, damn that scares the hell out of me! Although  I would like to date someone and have someone to just be there with me though the good times and the bad, I am still afraid of getting hurt. Which makes me not want to take the steps to get to know someone that I feel something for.

The latest one I meet scares me so. We had the best night and I felt something and I think so did he. Now when is a good time call? Go back out? Just don't want to seam pushy? Don;t want seam so distant. With all these questions, what do I do?

I have tried to just go for it and it has come back to smack me in the face and other times I kept my distance and lost the guy to someone else. So how do I know? What is right and when it is right?

I know one thing I have learned, you can make it happen. If you don't feel it deep inside, it is just not there and you cant make it happen. I have a guy that is head over heals for me, but it is not there for me. I have tried and tried to make it happen and I can't make it. Well one day it will happen for me. I think I am a pretty good guy with a lot to offer to that special person.