Family

What can I say about family? I love my family so much but I just take all the turmoil we are all going though. I feel very sad and I don;t want to go to Thanksgiving. I have one brother that will not speak to anyone in the family and the last time I saw him, he told me to never to talk to his son again (my nephew). My other brother is trying to make up for saying the worse thing you ever tell another family member.  And enter my Mother, she got mad at me this weekend because she using racial slurs and I told her I did not want to hear that stuff. She can be upset with the guy that had problems with, but not the whole race!

She called me back the other day and said why is that you can say what you want too, but I can't? I asked her what she meant? She said you say things I don't want to hear and I listen to them. I know what she is referring too, me being gay.

My mother 

I call my Mother at least two times a day and yesterday the phone rang busy all morning. At lunch at work I went to my car to try to call her and she did answer and was crying so hard. Made me feel like shit. I found out her best friend, my second mother Betty staid up with her till 3 AM when we had or fight. Now I feel even worse. I don;t know what to do?

This is Betty and me

I want things to be like they use to be, and I know it will never be the same no matter what. With my father passing away this year, things will never be the same. I want to remember the happy times and not dwell on the bad and how bad it is now. But I just don;t know how to? I wish I could go back.

My brother David, sister Deena and me

I know I can't go back to those days with the whole family meeting at Mom and Dad's house. The happy days to me. I miss my Dad so much, and this year I knew, was going to be tough. I know he would not like his family to act this way but what do I do? I can't change everything. 

Here is my Dad just a few minutes after he passed away 

I never had shown anyone this picture of father but my family, but it is the last one ever taken of him. He looks so peaceful. I love you Dad and always will! I put this on here because I have to find a way to express my pain.

I am tired of all the negativity going on right now in my life, I am not going to take it any more. I am starting to cut people out of life if they can't stop being so negative 24/7. And to top off all the my problems, one of my best friends has joined the ranks of being so negative and he directs it towards me. I sure as hell don't need that! My friends are there to support me and I have to say all of them are but this one. I will can him out on this because I am close of calling it quits with him. Mike G. I have asked him 2 times now to sit down with me so we can talk, and will not even make the time. He knows how wrong he done me and he is wrong. And if you read this Mike G, this should show you how much you have hurt me and how close I am to calling quits with you.

Well I needed to unload all that.

How I feel some days

Heard this song today, and it hit home to me, so I wrote it down and changed some the words to everything I was feeling today.

So sick of the people getting a free ride, I don't like how I gotta work and They just sit around and get paid. I hate all of the people who can't drive their cars. Bitch you better get outta the way, Before I start falling apart. I hate how my life is always up my ass, I always want to buy brand new things But I don't have the cash. I hate my job, all of my rich friends
I hate everyone to the bitter end. Nothing turns out right There's no end in sight
I hate my life!




How come I never get laid nice guys always lose. How could he have another headache, There's always some kind of excuse. I still hate my job, "I don't get paid nearly enough To put up with all of this shit" So if you're pissed like me Bitches, here's what you gotta do Put your middle fingers up in the air Go on and say "Fuck you!" So much at stake, can't catch a break I hate my life
No, it's nothing new hear "it sucks to be me"
I fuckin hate my life

Are you lonely?

Well the day started started out pretty good and to hell in a hand basket! I had a great time with Mike P and Mark last night, we went to Equals and had a few drinks so I did not get to have a lot of sleep. Had to be at work at 8:30 for a meeting and then I headed to church/

I have to say I love my church and I love going to church. Ron the guy that plays the piano at church wasnt feeling well today so we had to sing with him, LOL it still sounded pretty good. So far my day is going great! When church let out I came home and took a big ole nap!

After I got upI made a pizza nd popped in a "The year without a Santa Claus" and stated to decorate the house for Christmas.

Ok my day is still going pretty well, but then all of a sudden I felt very lonely tonight. I guess putting up all the stuff and having no one to share it with got to me. I am not looking to find a relationship, but I do want someone there with me and share times like this. What is a guy to do?

I wish I could meet a guy that likes me as much as I like them. Like the same things but have a few differences to make interesting. Wants to go to church and feel that it is important as I do. Someone who likes to go out friends or just be happy sitting at home watching a movie. Where is my knight in shinning armor? 

Is he out there? or I have I had my one true love in life and that is all I get? Yes I was so in love with a guy named Terry and took me years to get over him and now I a little damaged from it. We are friends now but I don't think we could evr get back together again. He is a sweet man just we were not meant for each other.

I hope one day i find that love that I felt with Terry, I have loved a lot of men but nothing like him. That doesn't mean that I loved the other guys any less, just there was something special in my heart for him. Each man that I have been with holds a special place in heart and always will. I can only think of one guy that I have dated that I never want to speak to again, the rest I still care about to this day.

I will find that guy, I know he is out there, just have to make sure I meet him one day!

How do you know?

I ask myself this question all the time, How do I know?  I guess the best advice I can give myself is that you will know deep in your sole, you will feel it. It has happened before and it will happen again. I am sure you all know what I am talking about? I am talking about when you fall for someone.

It confuses me so. I don't know if it something I want, or is something I just feel? When I meet a guy there is a certain something that you feel as soon as he walks up. Most the time it is lust and sometimes it is just to talk. If the lust connects and gos to the next step or spend the night just talking, sometimes you feel in the pit of your stomach there could be something there.

Now with that said, damn that scares the hell out of me! Although  I would like to date someone and have someone to just be there with me though the good times and the bad, I am still afraid of getting hurt. Which makes me not want to take the steps to get to know someone that I feel something for.

The latest one I meet scares me so. We had the best night and I felt something and I think so did he. Now when is a good time call? Go back out? Just don't want to seam pushy? Don;t want seam so distant. With all these questions, what do I do?

I have tried to just go for it and it has come back to smack me in the face and other times I kept my distance and lost the guy to someone else. So how do I know? What is right and when it is right?

I know one thing I have learned, you can make it happen. If you don't feel it deep inside, it is just not there and you cant make it happen. I have a guy that is head over heals for me, but it is not there for me. I have tried and tried to make it happen and I can't make it. Well one day it will happen for me. I think I am a pretty good guy with a lot to offer to that special person.

Halloween Party, Mark's Birthday and trip to Nashville

Well had a lot to do this weekend and not enough time to do it all!!! I wanted to go to Mark and Wes' Halloween party, Rick and Cody's Halloween party and Steven and Bo's too! I wish I could have went to them all, but One was in Evansville IN, Spotsville KY and Nashville TN! Plus to add to it, it was Mark's birthday. So we ended up at Nashville TN at Stevens and Bo's party. I don't have the pix yet, but I will post them when I get them!

Mike P, Mike G, Mark and I headed to Nashville TN to help celebrate Mark's Birthday and go to Steven and Bo's party. We stayed at a nice little hotel and got ready to go out. Mark dressed in leather, Mike G was a fireman and Mike P was in a leather kilt. We looked like the village people, but we always do LOL!

We made it to the Halloween party about 8PM, and the place was packed! What a colorful array people there. At one point in the night, Mark wanted to go out side to smoke, so I went with him. Out on the back deck, there was a guy dressed a rabbit. Someone asked him, "How tall are you?" He replied I am 6' 10", there was a dead silence after that and this 60 some odd year lady yelled out, well how big is your penis? We all burst out laughing our asses off! I have to say that somed up that party in a nut shell. I meet a lot of nice people at this party.

Mark was in full party mode and started handing me Jello shots one after another, I think we has 12 total not counting the mixed drinks we had. Needless to say we got a good buzz going on there. The Mikes also had it going on too.

I seen some people that I knew well and from Henderson KY and Evansville IN. That was great to see some People I know. But I have to say I was very comfortable at the party, Steve and Bo make you fel right at home.

Mark decided it was time to go and as we walked out, I am not going to say with one, but one of the Mikes just about fell off the steps and made Mark and I laugh so hard! Don't worry no one was hurt! But it was funny as hell. We made it at the first bar called Stirrups. A nice little mans bar.

It was packed there, I mean wall to wall to wall people and a lot of people were decked out in Halloween costumes. As I was walking through the bar, I seen this guy walking toward me dressed as a boy scout. I have to say he was a very hot man, and I loved his outfit. As he walked toward me, I looked at him and said nice costume and he replied same to you. About 15 minutes later, he walked back me and our eyes locked. Now it was on!

He waled up to me and introduced himself, I could not hear him very well and I replied, did you say Adam? He looked me with this strange look and said no I said Matt, but Adam is my first name and how did you know that? I don't know why I thought he said Adam but god works in strange ways.

We talked for awhile and it was very refreshing to talk to someone that I had so much in common with. I don't know how it came up, but we talked about church. Wow someone else that has same views with me on church and actually goes!

Mark wanted to head to another bar, so I gave him my phone number and he gave me his, and we all left and went to bar called Trax. That bar was a dumb, scary people and the drink prices were way to high! We did not stay that long, because Mike P wanted to go back to the other bar and Mike G wanted to go back to hotel. I think he had a lot to drink and was very hungry.

Mark and Mike went back to the other bar and I stayed with Mike and called him a cab. I waited awhile and called back and the taxi guy said it would be a few hours. So I asked Mike to go back to the other bar, because I was not going to stay there.

Then the strangest thing, my phone went off and it was Matt, telling Mike and Mark asked him to call me and us come back. As I walked up to the bar, there stood Matt with a big smile on his face. It was nice to see that! So we picked up right where we left off. Again god had something in plan for us.

We could not get a cab and Mike keep on asking me for my phone to call. So Matt so kind enough to take us back to our hotel. What a sweet man, to offer us a ride and I have to say the Mikes were feeling the night. He was so kind that he left us there so we would not have to walk, and picked us up and took us to the hotel.

As everyone climbed out of the car I reached over asked him if I could kiss him and thanked him for his kindness and I hope I would get to talk with him soon. He said well you could come home with me, if you like? Well hell yes I thought, but I said on condition, no sex. He said he could do that.

I went in to get my bags so i could get ready in the morning to go to church with. I told you all god works in the strangest ways! We finally got to sleep about 5 AM and then got up to go to a wonderful  church called http://www.holytrinitycommunitychurch.com/  WOW what a great place!

As soon as I hit the door I could feel the holy spirit hit me like a ton of lead! This church was bubbling over with it! Today was the 15th birthday of the church and they had a special service of nothing but gospel music. The first song was "Amazing grace" and the last time I heard that song was at my Dads's service. So I broke out in tears because I felt my Dad with me there.

 After the service was over he took me back to the hotel. I want to thank Matt for taking me there, and just being a real person. I don;t know what god has in plan for us? but we will see!

Life in a small town

Morning all! Life in a small town for the most part is nice, but the bad side of it is that everyone knows your business a little to much. Plus with social media and blogs everyone post everything. LOL I called myself out on that one!

It was a great week so far this week so far and I am so looking forward to Mark's birthday this weekend in Nashville! I had a talk with one of friends this week and it wasn't an easy one. He has been having a problem since he and his boyfriend split up, and he has been going wild. I care for his well being because he a very good friend to me and would do any thing to help me.

We talked about what is going on in his life, and what he is doing. He is headed down a bad road that I taking before. I don't want him to make the same mistakes I have made. I see so much of myself a few years ago before I became a little jaded and I don't want that to happen to him. I hope our talk went to his head and heart, but knowing myself (both of us being an Aries) he is going to have to make the mistake and I will have to be here waiting to help pick up the pieces. That what a good friend is for.

Speaking of friends, one thing I have to say is that I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for! I can't say enough good things about them. They have been here for me and never wanted anything in return but my friendship. I wish I would have found them earlier in my life.

David B has moved to Washington state and I miss him so. Our friendship grew stronger right before he left and I hated that. But he is happier now. I need to go and visit him soon!

The only friend that is missing in that picture is Mark. Wow what can I say but he is such good guy too. Has a heart of gold and makes me laugh so much! So here is a picture of us.

So I am so lucky to have such good friends as these! I need to remember how lucky I am. If I ever need anything, they are always there for me.

Halloween Party on Oct 22, 2011

Well guys I want to start a new blog on what is going on in my life. I think it will be much easier in the furture, to write my book this way.

Well I had the day off to go to Silver Monroe's Halloween party. Mike G, Mark, David H and I were all going. David dressed as his usual cowboy, his little rubber shorts, black leather chaps with fringe and a black cowboy hat. Mike on the other hand, LOL it took us a few hours to pick out his costume for the evening. He chose to wear his chain mail shirt, black leather pants and cape. Mark did a Harley rider with his black boots, black leather vest and black tee shirt. Every body look great! I went as an Marine. Mike P was not in town for the weekend, he went to Lexington to the Mr Bluegrass contest.

The night started out with all of us meeting at David's house. After we all got there, we were off to Silver's house. The party ended up being out in the middle of no where and I mean no where. We were going down the road and we felt like we were in a horror movie, you know the one where some friends set out to go some where for fun and they get lost and some hillbilly or freaks kill them. The house was the last on on the right. Doesn't that sound like part two to another movie?

Silver has been a good friend to me never talking about me behind my back and always polite to me when I was a bartender at Scottys. I do miss the those days. It was kinda like Scottys there, Bill and Tony were there, Mike M, Clint and David. Most of the Scottys crew. As usual Silver put on a great show. But she did have Traci Dallas there, which is not one of my favorite drag queens at all. She looks like a clown the way she puts on her make up. I just don't understand that? I did not say that to be mean, it is just what I think.

I had a little too much to drink there, but I was having a good time. I think Mike could have not neen bothered to even go, he acted like he did not have fun at all. Now as for David and Mark, they seamed to make the most of it.

Mark and David got into a little bit of a fight, I would like to go into it, but since this a public blog I will not say what it was all about. I never know who might be reading this. At least before the night was over with, they did make up. All is well in our little group.

After the show was over with, we all went to SPE night club for a few hours. The place was packed with wall to wall people. A lot of people were drunk too. Russ, a friend of mine, was there and some how we lip locked a few times and still asking myself why? He is young enough to be my son!!! He is cute and we were drunk, but wow, what got into me?

I have to say I do not have a dull life at all! I would like to share my life with someone but I am never too bored with what is going on with me. I know this is a little short, but I need to type one for today too.