Sadness

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's time. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.


This is a very hard time of the year for me. With my Dad gone, working a lot of hours and not being able to go to church . I don't know how to feel this holiday season? But with my sadness also comes creativity. I tend to be a better writer when I go thought sad spells.

My Dad and I

I am truly sad tonight, thinking of all the poor choices I made in life. Wishing I could turn the pages of time back just correct them and see where I would be? I know I should not think this way, but I do and often. Even with all my choices I have made I was very lucky to have two parents that were there for me, no matter what. But still I feel sad.

I have so many random thoughts going though my head right now. I am having problems trying to sort them out and write them down. Some good and some bad. I would love to write them but again I am afraid too. Afraid of who might read it.

I go though life, like I always have with a smile on my face and inspirational post on Facebook. But always remember you can tell what a person is hiding, in the manor in which they hide it in. So I hide my sadness every day of life. No one really knows how I truly feel. Not even my best friends. I have masted it.

My pain runs deep in my veins and heart. I would like for it to go away and never come back, but it does. What can I do to fix it? I ask myself that question every day. So much pain so much sadness and most of all so much regretted. 

I have given you just a taste of what I went though as a child, as for an adult I think it might scare or upset you what has happened. I chose the wrong path. Now don't get me wrong, I am not talking about being gay or even a leatherman. It is way more complected then that. Way more. Not to even talk about my love life. Yes I have been blessed to date and live with some good men, but I am still alone.

It is easy to think good thoughts, but reality is another story.....

What am I do? Where do I go from here? Only the hands of time will be able to tell.

I was born this way

I want to tell you a little bit about my life growing up and struggles I have went though. I was born in a very small city called Washington IN to a pair of wonderful parents. As a child my parents took very good care of me and gave as much as they could. I have to say I was truly blessed with great parents! I have two brothers and one sister. I am not very close to them at all (my siblings) My sister is the closest to me. There is a wide rang between myself and them, Phillip is 16 years older, David is 15 years and Deena is 10 years. My self I am 43 now.

This is my family 

This one has my brothers in it.

My parents took me to church every week, Wednesday night, Sunday morning and Sunday night. As I was growing up in in a Southern Baptist church, I remember the fear of God being put in me every week. I remember one preacher that talked about how much God hated homosexuals and they were going to burn in hell. So every week I would listen and think about how I knew I was gay and that my life would be damed forever.

I went to grade school at Griffith Elementary School. Every day I would go to school, at first the teachers did not like me having a southern accent ( my mother is from Kentucky) and sent me to speech class to unlearn it. The other kids teased me about it because the adults made such a big deal about it. Then the heavy teasing that would scare me for life started.  In PE class the teacher was named Bill Settles. He started to call me a fag at the age of 10. Every day he would put me down in front of the whole class. 

I was always chosen last in the games in PE and was told by the teacher I was no good. It even went as far as when I would see him walk down the halls in school, he would always call me fag. So now I am getting all this stuff thrown at me at Church and School. Just because I was gay.

I started to  come to grips with myself being gay as I went though puberty about age 13. Now at school and Church I knew what they were seeing. I tried my best to cover it up and over come it. As I told once, as a child, it is a phase you are going though.

This is Ruth and I

I remember the first person I told I am gay. That day will always be with me for the rest of life because it was one of the worse days of life. I was 16 and was going to Washington High School. I stopped in to see the school nurse, her name was Teddy, I told her "I am gay and I don't know what to do?" She got up from her desk and walked towards the door and opened it. As she was walking she told me me the best thing for was to forget that I ever said that, because it is not natural and not right and she would pretend I never told her thing like that, then she asked me to leave her office.

Now I am so depressed that I am gay, a sick person, a wrong person, God hates me and I am going to hell! That is a lot for a kid to go though. Some of the kids from grade school are not calling me fag in the hall ways of school even more so then in grade school. I even seen Bill Settles teaching drivers education and he called me fag in the high school hallways too.

Every day of my life I was called fag and it was starting to get to me. At one time and I am sure my Mother remembers that day. I locked myself in my room and though about killing myself. I am dammed any way so why don't I just end it now. I really came close to doing it. I am sitting her crying now thinking about the pain I was in back then. I was so afraid if my parents found out, that I would be kicked out into the streets. For some reason, well God, stopped me and helped me along the way. I know this now, but back then I though he hated me.

I have left a lot of the details of things that happened to me, but listed some more of the painful ones. I still remember a school mate of mine holding me down in the locker room in the 7th grade locker room and making me kiss his feet as the whole class watched me. No one stepped in to help me. He even beat me up after school. His name is Mark and I wont say his last name, because I have forgiven him after I heard about his family life. 

I have always struggled being gay and being a christian too. But now I am OK with it. It took me till I was in my 30s before I understood that I was not wrong and that God did not hate me. I have to thank Ben Guess for that and the Zion United Church of Christ. They have re-taught me that being gay and Christian is normal and OK.

I have come a long way and still yet, this day I still struggle from time to time because of the deep scares from my childhood. I know I have blocked some things out and I hope the day I remember them, I can deal with it. I have to say people like Madonna and Lady Gaga have helped me some much. I have to thank them for that, because I don't know if I would still be here if it wasn't for them. Madonna was my only positive support as a teen and Lady Gaga as an adult.

I know now that "I was born this way" and I am normal. I hope the www.bornthiswayfoundation.org helps out youth struggling with being bullied and being gay. I wish I would have had some support like that as I was growing up. I think I would be a different person to this day. 

As I go though life now, I see kids with their parents and see that the child is gay, it is painful clear to me, and I hope that child doesn't have to go though what I went though. I want to run up them and tell them to take extra care of their child because he/she is going to need it. And that it is OK if they are gay, just support them, be there for them and make sure that all is well with then in school.

So all of you whom has read this, think about how you react to someone that is gay and what you say around your children. The next time you see someone being bullied or being called names, stop and see what you can do to help them out. Don;t turn away and say it is not my problem, because as a human being it is. Make a difference in this world and help a child out.

So for those people that have done that in my life, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Rev Ben Guess and God, I thank you all for the help in my life. Without them I know I would not still be here this day.

Family

What can I say about family? I love my family so much but I just take all the turmoil we are all going though. I feel very sad and I don;t want to go to Thanksgiving. I have one brother that will not speak to anyone in the family and the last time I saw him, he told me to never to talk to his son again (my nephew). My other brother is trying to make up for saying the worse thing you ever tell another family member.  And enter my Mother, she got mad at me this weekend because she using racial slurs and I told her I did not want to hear that stuff. She can be upset with the guy that had problems with, but not the whole race!

She called me back the other day and said why is that you can say what you want too, but I can't? I asked her what she meant? She said you say things I don't want to hear and I listen to them. I know what she is referring too, me being gay.

My mother 

I call my Mother at least two times a day and yesterday the phone rang busy all morning. At lunch at work I went to my car to try to call her and she did answer and was crying so hard. Made me feel like shit. I found out her best friend, my second mother Betty staid up with her till 3 AM when we had or fight. Now I feel even worse. I don;t know what to do?

This is Betty and me

I want things to be like they use to be, and I know it will never be the same no matter what. With my father passing away this year, things will never be the same. I want to remember the happy times and not dwell on the bad and how bad it is now. But I just don;t know how to? I wish I could go back.

My brother David, sister Deena and me

I know I can't go back to those days with the whole family meeting at Mom and Dad's house. The happy days to me. I miss my Dad so much, and this year I knew, was going to be tough. I know he would not like his family to act this way but what do I do? I can't change everything. 

Here is my Dad just a few minutes after he passed away 

I never had shown anyone this picture of father but my family, but it is the last one ever taken of him. He looks so peaceful. I love you Dad and always will! I put this on here because I have to find a way to express my pain.

I am tired of all the negativity going on right now in my life, I am not going to take it any more. I am starting to cut people out of life if they can't stop being so negative 24/7. And to top off all the my problems, one of my best friends has joined the ranks of being so negative and he directs it towards me. I sure as hell don't need that! My friends are there to support me and I have to say all of them are but this one. I will can him out on this because I am close of calling it quits with him. Mike G. I have asked him 2 times now to sit down with me so we can talk, and will not even make the time. He knows how wrong he done me and he is wrong. And if you read this Mike G, this should show you how much you have hurt me and how close I am to calling quits with you.

Well I needed to unload all that.

How I feel some days

Heard this song today, and it hit home to me, so I wrote it down and changed some the words to everything I was feeling today.

So sick of the people getting a free ride, I don't like how I gotta work and They just sit around and get paid. I hate all of the people who can't drive their cars. Bitch you better get outta the way, Before I start falling apart. I hate how my life is always up my ass, I always want to buy brand new things But I don't have the cash. I hate my job, all of my rich friends
I hate everyone to the bitter end. Nothing turns out right There's no end in sight
I hate my life!




How come I never get laid nice guys always lose. How could he have another headache, There's always some kind of excuse. I still hate my job, "I don't get paid nearly enough To put up with all of this shit" So if you're pissed like me Bitches, here's what you gotta do Put your middle fingers up in the air Go on and say "Fuck you!" So much at stake, can't catch a break I hate my life
No, it's nothing new hear "it sucks to be me"
I fuckin hate my life

Are you lonely?

Well the day started started out pretty good and to hell in a hand basket! I had a great time with Mike P and Mark last night, we went to Equals and had a few drinks so I did not get to have a lot of sleep. Had to be at work at 8:30 for a meeting and then I headed to church/

I have to say I love my church and I love going to church. Ron the guy that plays the piano at church wasnt feeling well today so we had to sing with him, LOL it still sounded pretty good. So far my day is going great! When church let out I came home and took a big ole nap!

After I got upI made a pizza nd popped in a "The year without a Santa Claus" and stated to decorate the house for Christmas.

Ok my day is still going pretty well, but then all of a sudden I felt very lonely tonight. I guess putting up all the stuff and having no one to share it with got to me. I am not looking to find a relationship, but I do want someone there with me and share times like this. What is a guy to do?

I wish I could meet a guy that likes me as much as I like them. Like the same things but have a few differences to make interesting. Wants to go to church and feel that it is important as I do. Someone who likes to go out friends or just be happy sitting at home watching a movie. Where is my knight in shinning armor? 

Is he out there? or I have I had my one true love in life and that is all I get? Yes I was so in love with a guy named Terry and took me years to get over him and now I a little damaged from it. We are friends now but I don't think we could evr get back together again. He is a sweet man just we were not meant for each other.

I hope one day i find that love that I felt with Terry, I have loved a lot of men but nothing like him. That doesn't mean that I loved the other guys any less, just there was something special in my heart for him. Each man that I have been with holds a special place in heart and always will. I can only think of one guy that I have dated that I never want to speak to again, the rest I still care about to this day.

I will find that guy, I know he is out there, just have to make sure I meet him one day!

How do you know?

I ask myself this question all the time, How do I know?  I guess the best advice I can give myself is that you will know deep in your sole, you will feel it. It has happened before and it will happen again. I am sure you all know what I am talking about? I am talking about when you fall for someone.

It confuses me so. I don't know if it something I want, or is something I just feel? When I meet a guy there is a certain something that you feel as soon as he walks up. Most the time it is lust and sometimes it is just to talk. If the lust connects and gos to the next step or spend the night just talking, sometimes you feel in the pit of your stomach there could be something there.

Now with that said, damn that scares the hell out of me! Although  I would like to date someone and have someone to just be there with me though the good times and the bad, I am still afraid of getting hurt. Which makes me not want to take the steps to get to know someone that I feel something for.

The latest one I meet scares me so. We had the best night and I felt something and I think so did he. Now when is a good time call? Go back out? Just don't want to seam pushy? Don;t want seam so distant. With all these questions, what do I do?

I have tried to just go for it and it has come back to smack me in the face and other times I kept my distance and lost the guy to someone else. So how do I know? What is right and when it is right?

I know one thing I have learned, you can make it happen. If you don't feel it deep inside, it is just not there and you cant make it happen. I have a guy that is head over heals for me, but it is not there for me. I have tried and tried to make it happen and I can't make it. Well one day it will happen for me. I think I am a pretty good guy with a lot to offer to that special person.

Halloween Party, Mark's Birthday and trip to Nashville

Well had a lot to do this weekend and not enough time to do it all!!! I wanted to go to Mark and Wes' Halloween party, Rick and Cody's Halloween party and Steven and Bo's too! I wish I could have went to them all, but One was in Evansville IN, Spotsville KY and Nashville TN! Plus to add to it, it was Mark's birthday. So we ended up at Nashville TN at Stevens and Bo's party. I don't have the pix yet, but I will post them when I get them!

Mike P, Mike G, Mark and I headed to Nashville TN to help celebrate Mark's Birthday and go to Steven and Bo's party. We stayed at a nice little hotel and got ready to go out. Mark dressed in leather, Mike G was a fireman and Mike P was in a leather kilt. We looked like the village people, but we always do LOL!

We made it to the Halloween party about 8PM, and the place was packed! What a colorful array people there. At one point in the night, Mark wanted to go out side to smoke, so I went with him. Out on the back deck, there was a guy dressed a rabbit. Someone asked him, "How tall are you?" He replied I am 6' 10", there was a dead silence after that and this 60 some odd year lady yelled out, well how big is your penis? We all burst out laughing our asses off! I have to say that somed up that party in a nut shell. I meet a lot of nice people at this party.

Mark was in full party mode and started handing me Jello shots one after another, I think we has 12 total not counting the mixed drinks we had. Needless to say we got a good buzz going on there. The Mikes also had it going on too.

I seen some people that I knew well and from Henderson KY and Evansville IN. That was great to see some People I know. But I have to say I was very comfortable at the party, Steve and Bo make you fel right at home.

Mark decided it was time to go and as we walked out, I am not going to say with one, but one of the Mikes just about fell off the steps and made Mark and I laugh so hard! Don't worry no one was hurt! But it was funny as hell. We made it at the first bar called Stirrups. A nice little mans bar.

It was packed there, I mean wall to wall to wall people and a lot of people were decked out in Halloween costumes. As I was walking through the bar, I seen this guy walking toward me dressed as a boy scout. I have to say he was a very hot man, and I loved his outfit. As he walked toward me, I looked at him and said nice costume and he replied same to you. About 15 minutes later, he walked back me and our eyes locked. Now it was on!

He waled up to me and introduced himself, I could not hear him very well and I replied, did you say Adam? He looked me with this strange look and said no I said Matt, but Adam is my first name and how did you know that? I don't know why I thought he said Adam but god works in strange ways.

We talked for awhile and it was very refreshing to talk to someone that I had so much in common with. I don't know how it came up, but we talked about church. Wow someone else that has same views with me on church and actually goes!

Mark wanted to head to another bar, so I gave him my phone number and he gave me his, and we all left and went to bar called Trax. That bar was a dumb, scary people and the drink prices were way to high! We did not stay that long, because Mike P wanted to go back to the other bar and Mike G wanted to go back to hotel. I think he had a lot to drink and was very hungry.

Mark and Mike went back to the other bar and I stayed with Mike and called him a cab. I waited awhile and called back and the taxi guy said it would be a few hours. So I asked Mike to go back to the other bar, because I was not going to stay there.

Then the strangest thing, my phone went off and it was Matt, telling Mike and Mark asked him to call me and us come back. As I walked up to the bar, there stood Matt with a big smile on his face. It was nice to see that! So we picked up right where we left off. Again god had something in plan for us.

We could not get a cab and Mike keep on asking me for my phone to call. So Matt so kind enough to take us back to our hotel. What a sweet man, to offer us a ride and I have to say the Mikes were feeling the night. He was so kind that he left us there so we would not have to walk, and picked us up and took us to the hotel.

As everyone climbed out of the car I reached over asked him if I could kiss him and thanked him for his kindness and I hope I would get to talk with him soon. He said well you could come home with me, if you like? Well hell yes I thought, but I said on condition, no sex. He said he could do that.

I went in to get my bags so i could get ready in the morning to go to church with. I told you all god works in the strangest ways! We finally got to sleep about 5 AM and then got up to go to a wonderful  church called http://www.holytrinitycommunitychurch.com/  WOW what a great place!

As soon as I hit the door I could feel the holy spirit hit me like a ton of lead! This church was bubbling over with it! Today was the 15th birthday of the church and they had a special service of nothing but gospel music. The first song was "Amazing grace" and the last time I heard that song was at my Dads's service. So I broke out in tears because I felt my Dad with me there.

 After the service was over he took me back to the hotel. I want to thank Matt for taking me there, and just being a real person. I don;t know what god has in plan for us? but we will see!

Life in a small town

Morning all! Life in a small town for the most part is nice, but the bad side of it is that everyone knows your business a little to much. Plus with social media and blogs everyone post everything. LOL I called myself out on that one!

It was a great week so far this week so far and I am so looking forward to Mark's birthday this weekend in Nashville! I had a talk with one of friends this week and it wasn't an easy one. He has been having a problem since he and his boyfriend split up, and he has been going wild. I care for his well being because he a very good friend to me and would do any thing to help me.

We talked about what is going on in his life, and what he is doing. He is headed down a bad road that I taking before. I don't want him to make the same mistakes I have made. I see so much of myself a few years ago before I became a little jaded and I don't want that to happen to him. I hope our talk went to his head and heart, but knowing myself (both of us being an Aries) he is going to have to make the mistake and I will have to be here waiting to help pick up the pieces. That what a good friend is for.

Speaking of friends, one thing I have to say is that I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for! I can't say enough good things about them. They have been here for me and never wanted anything in return but my friendship. I wish I would have found them earlier in my life.

David B has moved to Washington state and I miss him so. Our friendship grew stronger right before he left and I hated that. But he is happier now. I need to go and visit him soon!

The only friend that is missing in that picture is Mark. Wow what can I say but he is such good guy too. Has a heart of gold and makes me laugh so much! So here is a picture of us.

So I am so lucky to have such good friends as these! I need to remember how lucky I am. If I ever need anything, they are always there for me.

Halloween Party on Oct 22, 2011

Well guys I want to start a new blog on what is going on in my life. I think it will be much easier in the furture, to write my book this way.

Well I had the day off to go to Silver Monroe's Halloween party. Mike G, Mark, David H and I were all going. David dressed as his usual cowboy, his little rubber shorts, black leather chaps with fringe and a black cowboy hat. Mike on the other hand, LOL it took us a few hours to pick out his costume for the evening. He chose to wear his chain mail shirt, black leather pants and cape. Mark did a Harley rider with his black boots, black leather vest and black tee shirt. Every body look great! I went as an Marine. Mike P was not in town for the weekend, he went to Lexington to the Mr Bluegrass contest.

The night started out with all of us meeting at David's house. After we all got there, we were off to Silver's house. The party ended up being out in the middle of no where and I mean no where. We were going down the road and we felt like we were in a horror movie, you know the one where some friends set out to go some where for fun and they get lost and some hillbilly or freaks kill them. The house was the last on on the right. Doesn't that sound like part two to another movie?

Silver has been a good friend to me never talking about me behind my back and always polite to me when I was a bartender at Scottys. I do miss the those days. It was kinda like Scottys there, Bill and Tony were there, Mike M, Clint and David. Most of the Scottys crew. As usual Silver put on a great show. But she did have Traci Dallas there, which is not one of my favorite drag queens at all. She looks like a clown the way she puts on her make up. I just don't understand that? I did not say that to be mean, it is just what I think.

I had a little too much to drink there, but I was having a good time. I think Mike could have not neen bothered to even go, he acted like he did not have fun at all. Now as for David and Mark, they seamed to make the most of it.

Mark and David got into a little bit of a fight, I would like to go into it, but since this a public blog I will not say what it was all about. I never know who might be reading this. At least before the night was over with, they did make up. All is well in our little group.

After the show was over with, we all went to SPE night club for a few hours. The place was packed with wall to wall people. A lot of people were drunk too. Russ, a friend of mine, was there and some how we lip locked a few times and still asking myself why? He is young enough to be my son!!! He is cute and we were drunk, but wow, what got into me?

I have to say I do not have a dull life at all! I would like to share my life with someone but I am never too bored with what is going on with me. I know this is a little short, but I need to type one for today too.